Fat Lee and the Pielon Menace
From Wiki Frakr
Fat Lee and the Pielon Menace is one of the "lost webisodes" in the "Battlestar Galactica: The Resistance" series between Seasons Two and Three. The following is a script secured by Rhubarb Contingent operator "Fat Lee":
Fat Lee and the Pielon Menace
Battlestar Galactica: "The Temptation"
INT. PEGASUS-COMMANDER'S OFFICE-NIGHT LEE ADAMA sits at his desk with a large manual. He turns a page. Somebody clears their throat. Lee looks up. A HOUSEPLANT sits across from him. LEE: You say something, Dee? On closer examination, a photograph of Dee is taped to a leaf. The houseplant/DEE rustles. LEE: (CONT'D) No, I need to finish this. Don't wait up. Lee goes back to the manual. When he looks up, Dee's back is to him as she trundles out. He goes back to his reading. INT. PEGASUS-COMMANDER'S OFFICE-LATER Lee is conked out on top of a stack of files. He snores. PLOP. A thick drop of some red substance lands just in front of his nose. Lee exhales, then inhales. His breath catches. Then he breathes in sharply and his eyes snap open. He stares at the blob for a long second. Then his finger slips in, scoops it up. He puts it in his mouth. His eyes close in absolute ecstasy. LEE: Mmm.... A woman's voice speaks-- ???: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to eat things you find on military papers? Lee pops to his feet and spins around. Where pants should be, there is only a frakkin' useless towel that ought to have "hand" prefixed to it. The voice sighs. ???: (CONT'D) Down here. Lee stops, and cranes over the front of his desk. On the floor, at a 45° angle, a CHERRY PIE, in a bright silver pie tin and a liberal latticework crust that leaves nothing to the imagination. Lee jumps back, and yanks open a desk drawer. Inside, a gun, a condom, and a fork. THE PIE: Your move, big boy. Somehow, The Pie is now on his desk. Lee clamps down on his man scream. The Pie giggles. LEE: What the frak are you? The Pie wobbles a little. THE PIE: I'm a pie, genius. He shakes his head; steadies himself with a hand on the desk. LEE: No. Pies don't talk. THE PIE: Every time you say that, the Gods kill a daggit. Lee's hand shoots into the drawer and he whips out his fork. LEE: You're a Cylon, aren't you? Some kind of... food-borne virus? The Pie raises an eyebrow (don't ask me how, it just does). THE PIE: Baby, I'm all pie. The silver tin is gone now, and The Pie slowly spins around, showing off her crust. When she faces him again, her filling glows scarlet. She giggles again. THE PIE/PIELON: Oops. Guess you're right. The Pielon shuffles forward, until she teeters on the edge of the desk. She presses her lattices against Lee's tongs. Her tone says that if she had lips and a tongue, the latter would totally be licking the former. PIELON: So, what d'you say... Commander? SHOT: LIKE ADMIRAL CAIN'S ASSASSINATION IN REVERSE. FROM THE PIE, ALONG THE FORK AND LEE'S ARM. HIS GAZE BURNS INTO "HER". LEE: Frak you. PIELON: That's what I'm saying. INT. COMMANDER'S QUARTERS-MORNING Sunlight (yes, sunlight, damn it) plays on the bed. Dee the Houseplant lies on her side (such as it is). The photograph is of a slumbering Dee. She rolls over and the photograph changes to an awake Dee. She nuzzles close to Lee, runs a leaf over his-- Belly. Dee sits up, and the photograph has changed to shock. Lee is covered only to his waist. Above that, he's hanging out. Very literally. His abs have vanished beneath a snowdrift of lard, and his torso is smeared with red. Dee stretches out a trembling leaf and lifts the covers: Underwear (thank gods), more red on his now meaty thighs, red saturates the sheets beneath, blonde bits of crust cling to his calves. Dee throws the sheet back fully. Between Lee's fresh new cankles a pie tin and a fork, wrapped in a towel. JUMP CUT TO: Dee out of bed, rolling backwards, the photograph changed again, now a silent scream of utmost terror and mourning. BLACK A photograph of Lee with abs, in a towel. SUPER: In Memoriam, Lee "Apollo" Adama's Abs. END
